Journal

After reading this excellent article on sexism and nepotism in higher education, I have developed an additional theory to describe this trend, based on my own experience and a decade of observations.

· Whether through biology or socialization, in general women tend to be more sensitive to social cues than men, more aware of our own emotional states, and more ruminative on those states.

· The PhD is an emotional roller-coaster where we have to grapple with feelings of inferiority, confusion, anxiety, frustration, euphoria,
anger, disappointment, exhaustion, etc. While women are probably better equipped than men to deal with these feelings (through socialization) we also tend to take the negative feelings more personally (also a result of socialization). We are encouraged to develop a "thick skin" (my supervisor's words) to deal with harsh criticism, yet we live by the double standard that "real" women are sensitive, emotional, pleasing to others, etc (even in a supportive feminist family, these messages permeate the wider culture).

· Due to biology or socialization, women tend to be less competitive than men - academia is growing ever-more competitive, so again women are subjected to a double standard - we must live up to the standards of male behaviour, going against years of socialization and possibly our own neurobiology, yet we must also retain our femaleness.

· After all this, is it any wonder that so many women academics decide it's really appealing to be a housewife?!?!

I've been reading a lot about healthcare lately, and I just wanted to add my voice to the debate.

I'm an American citizen, and have been living in the UK for nearly six years now. Most of this time has been on a student visa, but during the time I've had various jobs (including six months of full-time work between degrees), I've paid taxes - about 30%, which includes both tax and National Insurance (UK equivalent of Social Security). It's not enormously different from what I'd be paying in the US in state and federal taxes, but the difference in healthcare alone is astonishing sometimes. When I visit home, I have to get travel insurance to cover any sudden medical expenses, but in the country where I'm essentially a long-term visitor, it's free. I've never waited more than 20 minutes to see a doctor at a drop-in clinic, and I've never waited more than two days for an appointment when I've got something non-life-threatening to discuss. Luckily I've never needed emergency care, but I've used the 24-hour phone service to speak with a nurse when I wasn't sure if I did.

Prescriptions in Scotland are now £4 each, unless you're under 18, over 60, or on benefits, in which case they're free. If you take several medications, you can get a prepaid flat fee - £13 for four months, or £28 for a year, and the cost can be spread in monthly payments. So for someone taking a lot of medications, the most they'll have to pay is about $50 per year. The medications are exactly the same as what's available in the US, just with generic names. For example, I allergy pills for summertime hayfever, and after trying several different kinds I found that I needed the heavy-duty variety. When I was getting the prescription renewed, the doctor remarked that these were more expensive than the ones they usually prescribe, and I asked if I should take the cheaper ones. The doctor shook his head and said, "no, these are fine, you should take whatever works best for you." Anyone with pollen allergies will know what a relief it is to have effective medicine available!!

Chronic conditions like asthma and diabetes are taken very seriously - I'm asked to come in once a year for an asthma check-up, and even when I'm in for something else, the doctor or nurse always asks about it. Flu shots and other immunizations are free. Contraception and emergency contraception are free. Help to stop smoking is free. Eye exams are free, and there are vouchers towards the cost of glasses or contact lenses. Dental exams are free, and a cleaning costs under £10. Diagnostic blood tests (including STD screenings) are free. Emergency care is free. Pap smears and breast exams are free. Hospital stays are free. There are probably loads of other free services that I haven't heard about because I haven't needed them or there haven't been poster campaigns advertising them, but I feel pretty confident that whatever medical care I might need in the future will be provided for free or for a small charge.

Some people seem to think that there are no private healthcare alternatives in the UK. This is incorrect. There are plenty of private clinics, insurance companies, doctors' offices, etc, for people who choose to pay extra, or whose employers provide extra insurance. Many doctors take both private and NHS patients and there's absolutely no difference in care.

The thing is, having a national health service keeps the prices in the private sector down, because when care is usually free, people are only willing to pay so much for private care. To give an example, I have flat feet, and wear orthotics in my shoes. When I first needed a pair of custom orthotics made, I was about to perform in a dance festival and did not want to wait six weeks for free ones from the NHS. No problem - I went to a private clinic. The initial visit was £25, and when the podiatrist confirmed that I needed orthotics, she apologetically told me they would cost £75 - about $105 at the time. The fitting and follow-up visits were free, so for £100 - about $140 - I was getting a pair of high-quality custom-made orthotics, which in the US would cost $500, plus doctors' visits of $100 each. A few years later, I needed new orthotics, and this time there was no rush, so I went through the NHS. I saw a doctor within six weeks of requesting an appointment, and he actually made the new orthotics right then and there. It took three or four visits to get the adjustments right (which would have been the case anywhere), but these were all free and there was no problem getting appointments.

The quality of care I've experienced in the UK has been excellent, and I've never felt rushed when speaking with a doctor or nurse. The only difference I've noticed is that the decor sometimes looks a little shabbier - sometimes an exam room or a waiting room could use a fresh coat of paint or some new furniture, but everything has always been clean and tidy, instruments are in sterile wrappers or have disposable parts, there are paper covers on exam tables, plenty of rubber gloves, etc - same as in the US. At the end of the day, I'd rather sit in a 70s-decorated waiting room for free than pay through the nose to wait somewhere that looks like it's out of a modern decorating magazine.

I've experienced a lot more rationing of care in the US than the UK - in the UK, nobody has to choose which medication to take because they can't afford to buy all the medicines they need. Nobody has to worry about whether they can afford to go to the doctor, and if they are sick or injured, they can focus on getting better, not on worrying about getting into debt. Some people in the US use the phrase "socialized medicine" like it's a dirty word, but I have a hard time seeing what's wrong with everyone contributing a certain percentage of their income to make sure that everyone has access to decent healthcare. Guaranteeing that everyone has care means that I will get care when I need it. But beyond selfish motivations, it just makes sense. In a single-payer system, the state is the only shareholder, and it's one that does not expect profits, so the focus of the "business" can be on providing medical care. It does not negate profits for private providers and for companies that provide medicines, medical devices, etc - it just caps them at a reasonable rate. As far as I'm concerned, the free market should not stand between me and my doctor, and it works out in the long term - I don't have much money now, but in the future I hope to be earning a good income, and will happily contribute my fair share to the system to look after people in their time of need.

I recently discovered the website Joe's Goals, and it has made an unbelievable difference in my level of motivation. I had grown tired of putting the same items on my to-do list every day - writing a certain number of words for the PhD, exercising, etc - and this website provides a framework to track my daily goals. Each day I can tick off the goals that I meet, and take notes (via "Joe's Logbook") about them, all in one very simple interface. For some reason, it's incredibly motivating to look back over what I've already accomplished rather than a long list of things I've yet to do.

The only person who sees the chart is myself, but even without external validation I'm still eager to fill in the little tick-mark to show I've completed my goals for the day - and I've purposely made my goals small and achievable. Though if I manage to complete a goal twice over, I get two tick marks! Sometimes it feels ridiculous to get excited over this kind of thing, but it's really been working to keep me on track with the PhD and my exercise routine, so that's what matters.

It's also a great way to motivate ongoing positive behaviours. I'm currently tracking the healthy food I eat, and being able to add something to my notes gives a tiny thrill that helps motivate me to choose healthier foods. I'm not tracking unhealthy foods, which means I don't feel guilty if I do splurge on that ice cream bar or bag of chips, but I also don't get the satisfaction of adding it to my list. It's the same idea behind praising children and pets for desired behaviour and ignoring undesired behaviour.

And don't worry, I've also made a section for fun and social activities, to make sure I don't get so involved in my work that I forget to make a little time every day to enjoy myself. This one little tool is really helping me keep my life balanced!

I thought I was being really clever, embarking on my data analysis with an outline already in place. I'd gone through the transcripts and pulled out a number of themes, or nodes as they're called in the data analysis software, and I'd organised these into a coherent list of themes and sub-themes, which will eventually become the chapters of my dissertation. So all I had to do was go through the transcripts and match bits to the themes and sub-themes, and then use the software to help me find patterns and correlations in the data. Seemed pretty straightforward - but for some reason, it's been incredibly difficult.

I've never had an easy time making small decisions - it's often agonising to go into an ice cream shop and have to choose just one flavour. I've gotten better over the years, but small choices still stress me out - and transcript coding is pretty much a series of endless small choices. Is this sentence relevant? Which node does it fit into? Should I put it in multiple nodes? Do I need to make a new node? Now multiply this inner dialogue times 330 pages of transcripts.

Ultimately, I will be going back to the transcripts again and again, but for some reason it felt like my entire PhD was resting on the back of each tiny decision. I've been trying a number of strategies to try and finish this stage of the work so I can get to the (hopefully) more straightforward phase of actually writing: taking lots of breaks, taking no breaks, excessive procrastination, stubborn refusal to procrastinate, long walks, staying in the house all day, absolute silence, listening to music, working at different times of day, meditating before working, listening to a CD with subliminal messages for concentration, hoping that if I ignore the transcripts long enough, they will code themselves.... Oddly enough, drinking coffee seems to help me focus (I usually drink tea).

Today, I reached a breakthrough. I realised that I was trying to skip a step. I was trying to be clever and do two things at once, and as a result I did neither very well - and I was slow with the work, and excessively stressed about it.

What was the step I was skipping? I was putting things into sub-categories before putting them into categories. I was trying to hold 85 sub-categories in my head at the same time, rather than holding the 6 or 7 main categories in my head, then going through each one later and splitting things into sub-categories. Essentially it was like trying to choose one of 85 ice cream flavours for every sentence of my transcripts - no wonder I was stressed!

So now that I've figured out what I was doing wrong, I feel much less stressed about it, and much more energised. I'm continuing to put things mostly into sub-categories where they're obvious, but if something seems relevant and doesn't immediately fit into a sub-category, I just dump it into a main category and plan to deal with it later. Suddenly, the coding is going much faster!

In high school and undergrad, I took pride in finding clever shortcuts that would allow me to combine tasks. I'm realising that during a PhD - as in life - there are no shortcuts, really.

27 was a difficult year, but I feel like I've made it through the long winter and am emerging once again into the sun. Glasgow is starting to feel like home, as life in Edinburgh fades into memory. I've learned and grown more than I thought possible this year, and I know that in the coming 12 months, the process will only speed up. By my next birthday, I hope to have earned a PhD. It's a remarkable thing to anticipate, and I switch between calm detachment and utter disbelief. Mostly I'm in a space of practical calculations and slow submergence into my work. When it's all finished and the moment of quiet contemplation arrives, I anticipate the terror of staring into the void. But I've reached a point now where, for a little while at least, I feel no fear. I have chosen my path, and now I have to trust that the steps along it will become clear when I need to find them. So far, it's felt like a miraculous unfolding, and I've learned the real meaning of trust. I've discovered more steadfast allies than I ever could have hoped for, and have found the inner resources to disregard those who attempt to hold me back. It's often said that during a PhD, you learn more about yourself than your topic, and I feel such gratitude for the entire experience - even the painful and difficult parts.

Many thanks to all my beloved companions, old and new. You have given me the comfort and faith and joy that have made this journey possible.

Heavy into the transcribing now, and one thing that keeps happening is that I listen to the thread of a person's narrative, and think of all sorts of questions I'd like to ask.... And then listen to myself asking something that breaks the flow. Trying not to beat myself up too much about it, trying to remember that I'm still learning the finer points of interview skills, but I still cringe at all the missed opportunities....

Transcribing itself is incredibly dull, but luckily I'm still getting excited about what people have actually said, so that's giving me the energy to keep going with it. Working on the faith that it will all come together into some coherent story at some point....

And, another two months has passed without an update. Where does the time go?

Shortly after my last update, I went up north to the Dee Valley (about an hour and a half west of Aberdeen) for a hiking and camping trip with two friends. It was quite an adventure - sixteen miles through gorgeous Scottish wilderness, complete with breathtaking views, muddy boots, and wading through a river in bare feet! Sometimes I forget what I'm doing in Scotland - but those kinds of trips remind me. I've started posting photos through facebook rather than on the site - they can be found here (even if you're not a member of facebook).

A little preview:





That was the most interesting thing that happened before I moved, and obviously, moving's taken more time and energy than I expected. But I finally feel like I'm settling in to Glasgow life. The flat is beautiful (photos here), and less than three minutes' walk from the River Kelvin, where I've been walking at least every other day (I will post those photos soon).



Working with the Human Ecology masters students has been great, and I've especially enjoyed reading their work and hearing about their interesting experiences. On the other hand, I decided to quit my job doing undergraduate tutoring, because the marking was just too stressful if I want to get my PhD done on time. Feels like I've found a good balance now, and in the second semester I'll be doing a few guest lectures in various classes (including my fourth annual Goo Goo Dolls fan culture talk down south!).

The PhD is moving right along - I have six interviews left during the next two and a half weeks, and then it's on to analysis! 35 interviews of PhD students and teaching staff at 6 universities, 450 survey responses from undergrads at those same universities, and various other bits and pieces.... No idea how it's all going to fit together, but that's the fun of research! It's been a real privilege, travelling around and hearing people's stories. Not surprisingly, what's been most striking has been the similarities rather than the differences. I'm looking forward to digging deeper into the analysis over the next few months.

Aside from that, not much to report. My already-meager social life suffered a bit of a blow with the move, so I'm slowly trying to build it back up, but luckily I get to see my Edinburgh friends on a regular basis. I've been enjoying exploring the West End of Glasgow and seeing more of the people I care about over on this side of the country, and dealing with the challenges of relocation as they arise.