Writing

Foreword
May 23, 2003
10:45 am
Bloomfield, CT

My junior year abroad in Edinburgh wasn't easy, but I made a number of glorious discoveries and felt as though I'd finally found the home I'd been searching for. In fall 2002, I obtained a work visa, packed up my life, and bought a one-way ticket. I returned after 22 days.

Everyone who knew me - on both sides of the pond - was shocked at my quick retreat. Everyone thought I'd given up on my big dream, and they wanted an explanation. I promised to write something quippy and concise, promised some justification of my bizarre behavior. But none came. As the months have passed, one of the most intense experiences of my life has faded into the background, and most of my friends still have no idea what happened. But it deserves more than a quick "it didn't work out." So, more than six months later, after a number of attempts at writing something fresh, I am posting my journal entries from that time. There is simply no other way of explaining the experience right now. So, if you're curious about what happened during those twenty-two days, here it is. Uncensored, unedited, unapologetic.


september 1, 2002
4:30 pm
JFK airport

my summer of silence is ending, new exile from the old everything changes what used to be so important doesn’t matter anymore everything external falls away and I’m stronger. I’m not afraid anymore.

later
on the plane

naked inside your fear, can’t take back all those years

***

so I wrap myself in a blanket of joy as the the fear melts away, cold on a hillside, cold in the sea . . . or maybe I dance with the fear like a mad gypsy . . . accepting the fear . . .

figured out what the difference is now. the sad songs don’t have power over me anymore. I can listen to them without weeping . . . I enjoy them but they have no power anymore. the sorrow is fading, maybe. maybe for a little while. a respite.

now the happy songs have the power. as it should be.


monday, september 2, 2002
11:15 am
london

nothing’s turning out the way I thought it would. I can’t carry my bags, I hate london, I just want to get to edinburgh. so I bought a ticket this afternoon, blew £88, and now I can’t carry my bags to the airport. so I’m sitting outside the hostel crying and all these people keep asking if I need help. What can I tell them? I’m just tired and sore and I packed too much. Last time I did this I had help. I feel like a moron. I feel completely defeated. All I have to do is get to edinburgh. When people talk to me it just makes me cry more. Why didn’t I plan to go straight to edinburgh? I’m just too exhausted to think straight. There’s got to be a bus or something.

People are being so nice. Someone is going to look up the bus for me. Maybe london’s not so bad. It’s just not my place.

The best laid plans… Once again, I can’t try to do two things at once. I don’t really feel bad about missing starhawk.

One of the guys at the hostel went to stony brook.

Look on the fucking bright side! You left. You did it. You’re here. Hell, what better place to sit and cry than the streets of London on a Monday morning?

All’s well, Cogswell.


Wednesday, September 3, 2002
10:30 pm
claudia’s flat, edinburgh

so glad I made the decision to come here early. It’s so good to be here. I was sore this morning, but not too bad.

Now is the lovely buffer time between the stress of leaving and the stress of getting established. Took a walk round town today to enjoy the scenery, look at the people… I love this place.

Trying to find the words for poetry about this day, but I’m just not the poet tonight. At some point I’ll write words to “Kevin’s Song” – but not now.


Friday, September 5, 2002
Midnight

Flat hunting is hard work! Found the perfect place, but not the perfect flatmates. They called claudia’s and gave it to someone else. So I’m going with the first place I looked at. A small room with crappy view, but decent kitchen, big bathtub, and nice flatmates. So that’s what’s important. Tomorrow I’ll meet the second flatmate (who has posters of Spike all over her room) Fingers crossed….

“Edinburgh has everything a big city ought to have, but with a small-town feel to it.” – taxi driver yesterday.

People I’ve randomly run into:
David Ford (Monday)
Rachel from Beltane (Wednesday)
Bobby & Spike (Wednesday)
Alicia from Beltane (Thursday)
John from Beltane (Friday)
Zander Bruce (Saturday)


Sunday
Midnight

Little ball of unpleasantness inside, tight and unpretty, makes my fingers clench and teeth grind. Breath comes shallow and pulse overquick racing thoughts and anxiety. Why? I don’t like this uncertainty. Fear creeps up like an ugly monster seizes my shoulders and whispers terrors in my ear. Or I lay down in a bed with this creature, and it thrusts into me relentlessly, unloving, uncaring that it’s tearing me apart. But I’m so lonely, I let it in because I crave the companion, the touch, the momentary release.

Fear makes for a painful lover. Why do I keep letting it back in? Painful, but familiar, and in this chaos I crave anything I’ve known. Some bit of tenderness in this cold harsh night. So I lay naked with Fear, and confide in it, and let it take posession of me. Because I don’t want to take posession of myself.

This uncertainty is killing me. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring… Where’s the adventurous gypsy girl? Guess it fades away when I’m forced to stand alone. Not even that, really, but my security trickles away penny by penny.

But maybe I need the gypsy attitude. This is a new adventure. I’ve been here before. There are just new concerns this time. Everything will be okay.

It’s not just the whole flat/job thing, it’s also the India trip. Is it on or not? I really need to know! The European Social Forum… I really ought to buy my ticket soon. Me and whose money? But November is a ways away.

I should be used to this. The low always comes after the high. The loneliness in a room full of friends. Such is the going rate I pay for the lofty dreams and ecstatic joys. All balances out in the end. Today I watched a rainbow.


Wednesday September 11
1:00 pm

watching on a TV screen half a world away helpless homeless alone listening to the anthem of the country I left behind burned by the scottish sun in a faraway land weeping for those who died weeping for we who are left behind with a world so changed so changed

so faraway from the confort of my people my community on the other side of the world

so many changes everyday tumble stumble as one into this day of mourning the lost mourning what we can’t ever reclaim everyday something slips away, unnoticed, unmourned, but then everyday something new is born

in the sound of these hymns soaring here in this faraway place, maybe what was born a year ago today was an era of peace, tiny, struggling, barely breathng, but we can keep it alive with our prayers maybe if we’re strong enough the baby peace will survive

how is it that a year has passed already? so much has changed in my own life. Here I am, my dreams coming true, weeping alone in a home that’s not mine, listening to hymns of a faith that’s not mine, in the light of a faraway sun. maybe I don’t belong here, that’s the true gripping fear, maybe I was wrong but where do I belong? terror-filled, terrified, once again unsure, stumbling everything seemed so clear from faraway

silence rings in my ears as the world stands still…

but now it’s time to live


12:30 am

Found a place. Two, actually. Moving tomorrow. But somehow this place isn’t feeling like home anymore, and I’m starting to fear that maybe this was an experience best left in the past. We’ll see. Things will change when I have a place to live and a job, and a social life. There’s that fear companion again. Wait and see.


Thursday night
after midnight

This sucks. This absolutely sucks. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to give up. I want to go home.

Sitting on a lumpy bare mattress in a room that smells of smoke broken furniture too small and everything I own thrown in a corner I am utterly defeated despair has won this time and it all must be a bad dream. I just want to wake up safe again. Funny how LA seems like safety now. At the first sign of hardship I’ll just turn tail and run. I’ve always stuck it out before but this time it feels different I’m completely alone everything that should have been could have been would have been blown up in my face and all I want is the silly comfort of home. I did this the first time, didn’t I? Ran away home. The idea of Edinburgh is so much prettier than the reality of it the idea of starting again… Feel like I’ve been betrayed alone with my fears everything feels so far away belly rumbling hands shaking no relief in sight


2:53 am

just had a long talk with Mom… Feel so much better now. If I have to go home, it’s okay. It’s okay. Not a failure. Maybe the lesson I need to learn is that I can’t recreate the experience I had here. I seem to do that a lot. Maybe I just need to learn that I can’t know my place just yet. Maybe for all my grand gypsy dreams I’m just a girl of routine, and that’s okay. I need to stop caring what other people will think and just live for me.

Robby’s words keep spinning around in my head: “one day ain’t forever – you’ll find your time….” Breathe… it’ll be okay. Part of me just wants to go back to the states to see the Goos again, so I can be part of that scene. Which is exactly the wrong reason, but it feels so compelling. They have been my singular source of comfort this summer, so naturally I’d want to be near them. Silly fantasies. But they’re meaningful to me. And at this point, they’re all I have.

dreams spin around in my head blinding and beautiful anything to take my mind off the here and now cut off from all that brings comfort and disconnected from the world I know running round in circles why can’t I see what’s there before my eyes?

Half my dreams are the audience watching. Do I really want to be here because I love it here or because I want to be the cool girl who moved to Scotland? Why do I try to impress everyone so damn much? I’ve got to stop being so full of myself and just get on with it already. Another lesson.



Saturday September 14
2:15 am

Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing… everything’s always out of proportion for me. Maybe I can stay my six months, then say good bye, close this chapter in my life.

But it’s going to be really hard, it’s hard already. I hate it when things are hard. But if I give up now, maybe I’ll always wonder. If I struggle through, maybe I’ll be stronger. So hard to tell


11:52 am

Am I just setting myself up for another painful goodbye? Do I want to give Edinburgh awhile longer, or leave before I get too attached? Trying to remember which was harder last time, settling in or going away. I came at a stupid time, I’m realizing. The timing is all wrong. Gotta work on that.

Not just about where am I, it’s about who am I, what am I, why am I doing what I’m doing. There you are. There you are. It’s like a knife in my belly, slowly. There… So far away… You… me, but with a connection to someone, maybe… Are… In the act of being, existing, maybe living… Maybe wasting away… They have different plans for me. This is not where I’m meant to be. This is not my big thing. Is it something, though? Must be something.

This isn’t who I’m supposed to be. This is not “it.” Two years ago, I made so many beautiful and intense discoveries here. I finally figured out who I was then. But this is not who I am now. Or rather, not who I’m becoming.

“Choose what is sacred to you, and dedicate your best life energies to its service…” The experience was sacred, I will always hold the memory dear, and this place is sacred… But sometimes you can only visit sacred places, and you must bring their magic out into the wider world.

It’s always hard to realize you’re not going to be that person you always wanted to be. Maybe this is what Brighid meant by clearing away the ashes to see what’s underneath.


illusions dance round my head
inviting me to madness
begging me to choose
chased me into a corner
alone with all my desires
dreams pulled apart
and I need to make this choice alone
leaves are starting to fall
hot sun cold air
my dreams crash down around me
and passersby are my witnesses
harsh sun on everything I thought I wanted
harsh wind on everything I thought I’d earned
and everything I thought I’d learned


so that’s the choice
I can stay here, things will get easier
I’ll have a happy life
working, dancing on the side
friends, laughs, an ordinary life
or I can leave this place
walk away from the life that comes easy
and choose to do something bigger
harder, more painful
but more meaningful
and on the day I die
I’ll look back on this day
either way
this is the day I make my choice
no choice, really
I’ll turn my back on the easy path
when did I ever choose the easy way, really?

t i m e t o g o h o m e .


10:30ish pm
pizza hut

went to the ceilidh but nobody was there I knew. Claudia & Romain didn’t show up. When you want to talk your friends out of leaving, you don’t flake out on them. I sat for over an hour, calculations and “what-ifs” spinning around in my head. Maybe if I just stay till Thanksgiving. Maybe Hogmanay…. Maybe just one more day and things will change. Silly girl, keep dreaming. You don’t belong here.

Two years ago, I found the place that felt like home, and when I return it’s not home anymore.


11:30
back at the flat

felt like home then to show me what a home is supposed to feel like, maybe. I want to leave before any more disappointments. everybody has to pay their dues, I don’t want to pay mine here and make this city fall from grace -- so there’s still a “maybe someday” clause but it’s so faraway

it’s like I’m walking through the streets of memory everything looks the same but I feel so faraway


Sunday Sept. 15
6:00 pm

What have I got to lose in staying, really? What’s another six weeks? Crappy job here or crappy job at home, at least here I won’t be bored.


11:00 pm

The timing is all wrong. No amount of what-ifs can change that, so I’ll just get on with it and go home. I’ll buy my ticket tomorrow.

nothing’s going to make me happy until I make myself happy. Guess I’ll have to work on that. I left too many things unfinished at home, I wasn’t ready to leave yet.

Spoke to Rob tonight. When it really comes down to it, he’s there when I need him.

I’m sick of thinking about this. Time for some good, mindless entertainment.


Thursday Sept. 17
Afternoon
Calton Hill

and the circle goes round again
here I sit on the same hillside
where my world once crumbled around me
how different it all looks now
and how much the same
the city looks so beautiful from up here
calm, serene
everything’s prettier from faraway
the pain fades into memory
the air is so sweet in my lungs
cool and clean
scent of the sea mingles with ink on the page
and the sun is warm on my back
it’s all so soft and faraway
memory wrapped around me like a blanket
calming, whispering soothing words
is there any place more perfect than this?
now that all the anguish melts away
it will still be here someday
as the prophetess Jed once said,
“maybe you’ll go back to Los Angeles for three years
and maybe you’ll come back here for twelve.”
feels like we’ve been walking for years
and we have been
everything changes
but nothing changes, really
like every time the leaves would fall
you promised me that they’d be back again
and I believed in you
maybe I’ll never come back to this place to live
but I will always remember


Thursday Sept. 19
6:30 pm

Today some random guys stopped me on the street and asked me what faith is. Once again I’m a spokeswoman for witchcraft. Once more a reminder to go home.


Midnight

just got back from the language school dem…. makes me want to stay…. almost. but it also shows me that there will always be a place for me here, should I choose to return. Which I probably will do, in time. Occurred to me today that if you big dream comes true at 21, what’s left? So I’ll have my adventures, pursue some other dreams, and see how this one measures up. I don’t want to live my life in day.

Yet suddenly it’s all cast into doubt again. I want so badly to stay here, live this life. But it’s not time yet. I have to wait for something else to pass, for the cycle to turn a little longer.

Like I passed the last exit before the toll, then had to turn around and get the money to continue to the other side.

Misguided roses we bloom in October emerging triumphant in time to the season’s first snow. Here, the roses grow all winter. I have to grow a little stronger before I can bloom through the long night. Just a little stronger. There needs to be a barrier, I think, between who I was and who I’m going to be, haven’t quite gone through the metamorphosis yet.


cruel post-college lessons:
the next logical step is not the only possible step
the next logical step isn’t necessarily the best step
there is no time limit, due date, or next level
it’s not failure to start again, change your mind, or end something
the only one you’re competing with is yourself
there is no curriculum, lesson plan, or course description
life does not restart in 3-month cycles
you can only measure success by your own contentment
you can’t get by on bullshit alone
you don’t get a faculty advisor to solve your problems
the important stuff you learn doesn’t come from books


Sunday Sept. 22
afternoon
Holyrood Park

dreams etched in cobblestones
laid out before me to make a path
but how long do I stay on the road?
the dirt trail is always more attractive to me


what attracted me about Edinburgh was that everything seemed so obvious. If I feel like being social, it’s obvious where to go to be social. If I feel like being alone and pensive, it’s obvious where to go for that. I need to go somewhere where it’s not so obvious, I guess.

I am an artist. I create. I am.


Mon. Sept. 23
4:10 pm
Edinburgh airport

For the first time – ever, I think – I’m not particularly emotional at the airport. Kinda bouncy happy on account of the GGDs in my ears… but not prophetic or insightful or sad or happy really. I’m just here. It’s kinda nice.

For all the people I’ve told I’ll be back, it occurs to me that maybe I won’t. And I don’t think I’d be particularly sad about it if I never return. My experience here is finished. For once I have a sense of closure. It’s an interesting sensation. Sorta peaceful.

Maybe it’s the sudafed.


warm scottish sun strikes my face to kiss me goodbye
way up high
I see the beautiful city one last time
for now
and I whisper goodbye
softly
without despair
my work here is done
hills shrouded in mist like a dream
far as the eye can see
graceful meandering river Forth
twisting like a Beltane apparition
give their silent farewell
and it feels alright
for the first time
it feels alright
I came here to learn to let go
to learn acceptance
to learn to follow my heart
but I can’t live for anyone else
in the end
and my gypsy dreams may split at the seams
but in the end it’s up to me
I don’t have to name myself to claim myself
a nameless thing has such potential
what is nameless in Gaelic, I wonder
nameless, blameless, shameless
for the first time I feel free!
truly free
unencumbered by past or future
is this what he meant by serenity?
this was a three-week vision quest
twenty-two days to a rebirth
and here I am naked and free
ready to start again
not chasing phantoms
not running away
just living in this gorgeous precious moment
the sun catches my eyes
like the lights on a stage
and I feel the world watching
as they will be
someday
I’m destined for the eyes of the world


the land below lays cloaked in twilight
yet up here the sun still burns
patchwork mantle beneath golden haze
dipping back into reality
farewell Scottish sun
guess I won’t have a Scottish son
here in the beautiful sunset clouds
for a moment, brilliant half grapefruit sun
shining streaks and holes in the sky
then dip back into darkness
hours of darkness
walking for years
voices of prophecy


8:30
Heathrow

Abu Dhabi Muscat Mauritius Johanesburg Copenhagen Singapore Stockholm Dubai Dhaka Rome Addis Ababa Doha Bangkok Hong Kong Sao Paolo Rio De Janeiro Kuala Lampur Bahrain Seoul Singapore Dubai Lagos Beirut

. . .

list of destination cities reads like poetry reminding me of the adventurer I want to be and the wide world I’ve yet to see people of all nations gather here to wait

here at the crossroads
never know what you’ll find

sometimes I see dances when I hear music
sometimes I hear stores when I look on these faces from all places
here I am in perpetual motion

beautiful bedoins sit near me wrapped in their veils somehow so graceful
and my gypsy dreams come alive in this faraway land


Thursday Oct. 3
9:28 pm
cool & damp

seems my dreams are changing
everything turns around
choices flash before my eyes
and I cringe away from the lives I don’t want
seeing traps at every turn
I won’t be boxed in
walking this tightrope I could fall at any time
into the pit of suburban hell
mother asking, why not?
why indeed!
can’t really speak the truth
but I don’t want to end up like you
I deserve something better than this
up and outta this dirty town
I’ve had my taste and I won’t back down
I won’t settle for this
I could step up into the laughing middle class
but that’s not what I want
driving the kids to ballet in the minivan
potential life flashes like a nightmare
get me out!
but I can’t worry too far in advance
one step at a time
for the moment, my dreams are changing


Thursday Oct. 8
morning
bright & sunny & cool

everything's brighter because I haven't got a phantom dreamland hanging in my rearview mirror.


dreams fall around me like rain
these are the ashes I saw
and it doesn’t hurt anymore
only so many dreams you can keep
before they start to weigh you down
now I’ll throw these old dreams into the sea
and suddenly I’m free
the air smells so sweet here
breeze against my face
last laste of summer before winter arrives
I’ve never done this before
always held so tightly to my dreams
afraid to lose a one
they filled my field of view like a beautiful painting
but now they fade away
and what’s left?
not emptiness as I once feared
but a clear blank canvas
ready for new dreams
custom made for who I am today
not yesterday anymore
maybe I’m finally learning
to let go of yesterday
something waits for me
and I feel it, smiling from tomorrow
I always used to hurry towards it
but it only got farther away
might as well chase the moon
now that I’m standing still, I can see
it’s not going anywhere, that tomorrow
and racing only made me stumble
and forget to look around at this beautiful journey
this year I’m learning about time
the more I release, the more space I have
I’m finding what’s important
finding my timing

spiralling in.